The Art of Friendship

The Art of Friendship

Having friends and being friends are two very different things.

At the end of the classic movie It’s a Wonderful Life, Clarence the Angel leaves George Bailey a copy of Mark Twain’s adventure story, Tom Sawyer. Surrounded by scores of friends singing in celebration of Christmas, George smilingly opens the front cover, and we see what Clarence has wisely written: “Remember, no man is a failure who has friends.”

Friendship experiences are universal. Many of us have known the satisfaction, security and benefits of good friendships. We have also known people who we thought were friends, only to have them betray us, hurt us or disappoint us. And if we were brutally honest with ourselves, most of us would have to admit that at sometime in our lives, we too have betrayed, hurt or disappointed our friends.

We all have our own ideas about friendship. Children usually think of friends as those with whom they play or have fun. Teens often define their friends as the kids they cruise around with on a Friday night or whoever is available to do things with. Others consider their friends to be the people they know. But maybe a real friend is something more: perhaps it’s one who is willing to do things for you even if it’s inconvenient, someone who will stick up for you, someone who really cares.

The Bible has quite a lot to say about friendship, especially in Proverbs. But its perspective is different from what we might think. Our preoccupation is usually with having friends. The Bible’s focus is on being a friend. This subtle shift of simple participles creates an antithetical view of staggering proportions. The difference in perspective is paramount, and the implications are life-changing.

When I’m concerned with having friends, my focus is on my
self and my own needs. But when my desire is to be a friend, I’m thinking about other people—I’m caring more about others than I do about myself. The simple and ironic truth is that those who want to have friends must first be a friend to others. Those who are true friends to others will never lack for friends. True, many people will never reciprocate with friendship in return, but many others will. The wounds will be many, but so, too, will be the rewards.

Unfortunately, our society has watered down the concept of friendship so much that many people have never had a true friend and therefore do not know what it means to be a true friend. In his book Making Friends and Making Them Count , Em Griffin calls friendship an art. More than ever before, we each need to learn, or relearn, the art of being a true friend. This is the perspective we must bring to bear on our lives, and we can find this perspective in the Bible: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17, NIV).

A frequent element of Hebrew poetry is parallelism, and we see such a device used in this verse. The first line makes a general observation which is qualified, explained or expanded by the second line. We learn several things from this verse. First, a friend is someone who continues to love, and to show that love, whatever the circumstances. Second, a friend is born for adversity—not his or her adversity, but yours. In other words, the true test of a friend is whether or not he or she is there for you in the bad times, the tough times. Third, a friend is like a brother—short of death, you can never get rid of him.